Lim Yu Tian
BLK 123 Toh Guan Road
#04-05 Singapore 600123
HP: +65 9876 5432
Email: limyt88@gmail.com
1st February 2011
MC Online Pte Ltd
Times Centre, 1 New Industrial Road
Singapore 536196
The Human Resource Department
Dear Sir/Madam
Enquiry for Instructional Designer Internship
I came to know of the position vacancy of Instructional Designer on Job Street and I am keen to discuss this opportunity for a potential internship in greater details. I have great interest in education related career and have been seeking for opportunities to further develop the relevant skills. Seeing that Marshall Cavendish Online has been at the frontier of e-learning and has been developing educational materials extensively, I believe that my experience and skills will be of service to the company in these areas.
My experience in public school teaching and freelance collaborations will be useful in assisting the Instructional Designer in the development of educational materials. As an intern teacher in Hong Kah Secondary School, I pioneered the development of their next generation science teaching material that runs on the Windows platform. The experience with Theo Education Pte Ltd in developing teaching materials for educational workshops and being on board as the representative for their science department in clinching business deals will prove useful. In addition, being an event coordinator for Ultra Global International Pte Ltd to assist the organizing of seminars and events from an audience size of over a hundred to over 3000 had improved my logistical skills greatly. Therefore, I will be able to help the company develop materials that are not only adapted for different learning styles, but are also tailored to meet the unique needs of each client
With my academic knowledge, planning, logistical skills, leadership and relevant working experiences, I am confident of serving the company well. This is because I thrive in a dynamic environment which demands from its workers flexibility and the ability to mount effective situational responses while at the same time, manage the large scale planning and coordination that is a part of product development. Thank you for considering my request for an internship for the Instructional Designer. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
Hi Yu Tian!
ReplyDeleteWow! Really an impressive list of qualifications! I think you would no doubt be hired=)! I think all that you have stated sounds relevant to the internship scope though I think it would be better if you keep some sentences in the second paragraph shorter. The sentence regarding Theo Education Pte Ltd was rather long and I found it hard to connect the first part of the sentence to the second part.
Also, for the sentence ‘I have pioneered the development their next generation science teaching material that runs on the PC platform’; it sounds a little strange… Maybe it would be better with an ‘of’ between the words ‘development’ and ‘their’? And maybe change ‘that’ to ‘which’? I couldn’t really make sense of the sentence (though I think its my fault – my understanding tends to be a bit messy haha), so I’m giving you advice based on what I THINK it means to me. Hope its ok and I really think you nailed it! The application letter sounds really professional! =)
Hi Yu Tian,
ReplyDeleteLike what I mentioned in Adeline's post, I feel that how you got to know of the job is not important. What is more important is why you are interested in the job. Hence, you may like to add that in.
As for the rest of the contents, I think what you wrote is very apt and like Jac, I think you should be able to get your internship with this application letter. :)
In the first paragraph, by “education materials” I believe Yu Tian means “educational materials”. Also, in this context, he should use “my experience” instead of “my experiences”. Additionally, the use of the word “passion” is very clichéd and “help the company” could be better expressed as “be of service to”.
ReplyDeleteThe use of the word “stay” with regard to his teaching internship at Hong Kah Secondary is also inappropriate as it initially gives the impression that he lived there. “I have pioneered” should be replaced with just “I pioneered” and “development their next generation” is missing the word “of”.
In the final paragraph, “I will serve” is rather presumptuous. “I hope to serve” exudes more humility. Also, Yu Tian might want to consider revising the statement, “with my academic knowledge, planning, logistical skills, leadership and relevant working experiences” as the flow of the sentence sounds somewhat awkward.
Hi Yu Tian,
ReplyDeleteThink Isaac has commented on everything already. Haha. I've only got one point to add: The standardisation of the fonts and the font sizes. I noticed that your application letter here seems to consist of several fonts. Should turn out fine after you change it.
Jia you!!
Your letter’s content is quite substantive and convincing. Good job!
ReplyDeletePlease allow me to offer some suggestions on how to improve the letter’s English. I would suggest adding an “a” in this sentence, “I am keen to discuss this opportunity for a potential internship in greater details. Instead of the phrase “free lance”, I think it is good English to use the word “freelance”. You used the phrase “PC platform” in your second paragraph. Since “PC” is a vague word, may I suggest you state whether the platform was Windows or Mac?
In addition, this sentence does not seem to flow properly, “Therefore, I will be able to help the company to develop materials that can adapt to different learning configurations and to tailor them according to the needs of clients effectively.” I would like to suggesting using this sentence instead,”Therefore, I will be able to help the company develop materials that are not only adapted for different learning styles, but are also tailored to meet the unique needs of each client”.
This part of your letter also does not seem to flow properly, “I will serve the company well in a dynamic working environment that demands flexibility and effective situational response while managing large scale planning and coordination of product development.” I propose this version instead, “I am confident of serving the company well. This is because I thrive in a dynamic environment which demands from its workers flexibility and the ability to mount effective situational responses while at the same time, manage the large scale planning and coordination that is a part of product development.”
I’ve underline and put in bold those aspects which I’ve changed. If I do miss out a few of my changes though, please do forgive me, haha. =)
Hi Yu Tian, I think you highlighted your strengths and abilities well in your letter in relation to the internship that you are applying.
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to add on that should address the reader as 'Madam' and not 'Mdm' as written in the letter.
Your application letter is well-written and it convinces me that you are indeed a suitable candidate for the internship. In your application letter, you have satisfied most of the 7 Cs of communication and made an effort to establish links between your experience and the internship requirements. Overall, it is an excellent application letter. Great job Yu Tian! However, I do have some comments that might help:
ReplyDeleteName, mobile and email address are not necessary. The title should include “Application for ...”
In the first paragraph, there is no need to tell the reader of how you heard of this job. Moreover, you could break the second sentence in the first paragraph into two, which can be written as “Marshall Cavendish has... materials extensively. My experience will...”
In the third paragraph, it should be “... Pte Ltd and assisting in the organising...” Besides, it should be “have honed”, not “had horned”.
The last paragraph sums up your application well. Overall, it gives me a concise picture of your work potential and personality.
Cheers!